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Post by johnw on Jan 16, 2019 1:50:05 GMT -5
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm sooooo drunk!"
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Post by vegasjames on Jan 16, 2019 4:49:53 GMT -5
Q: What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men? A: Their feet.
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Post by rockjunquie on Jan 16, 2019 7:47:50 GMT -5
Hey now.....
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Post by vegasjames on Jan 16, 2019 8:32:21 GMT -5
You are not blonde in your avatar.
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Post by rockjunquie on Jan 16, 2019 8:35:36 GMT -5
You are not blonde in your avatar. I'm a dishwater blonde who is now more gray. I opted for an avatar with kinda washed out color since they didn't really have one to fit. My hair used to be much, much more blonde. It got darker as I aged..... or is that- as I got wiser? DOH!
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Post by johnw on Jan 17, 2019 17:55:26 GMT -5
Q: What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men? A: Their feet. vegasjames, now that's nasty, but very visual and funny as hell. Cheers, johnw
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Post by mohs on Jan 18, 2019 13:47:37 GMT -5
Kids joke very cave worthy
A box with 2 straws protruding from it Is labeled as Creamed Green Cheese
The person slurps until there nothing but air Opening the box is a troll with 2 straws up his nose
Moral ? who knows ....mostly
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Post by mohs on Jan 18, 2019 19:52:21 GMT -5
Mother Superior gathered the Nun around and announced" We have a case of gonorrhea in the conventSister Sally says: Thanks God ! I’m getting tired of the chardonnay...
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Post by parfive on Jan 18, 2019 20:38:46 GMT -5
Speaking of Mother Superior, Ed, that reminds me . . .
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
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Post by mohs on Jan 18, 2019 20:41:38 GMT -5
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Post by 1dave on Jan 19, 2019 10:37:54 GMT -5
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jan 19, 2019 10:51:30 GMT -5
Indubatively!
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Post by 1dave on Jan 24, 2019 20:02:50 GMT -5
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Post by johnw on Jan 29, 2019 1:48:10 GMT -5
Old Farts.........
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Post by 1dave on Feb 11, 2019 20:38:14 GMT -5
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Fossilman
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2009
Posts: 20,681
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Post by Fossilman on Feb 15, 2019 16:07:45 GMT -5
A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was, and he replied, "I'm too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too. "The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to him.The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question, he would go back to the second grade and be quiet.The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"Johnny: "9."Principal: "6 x 6?"Johnny: "36."So, it went on like this. The principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher, "I see no reason why Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right. "The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agreed. Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"Johnny: "Legs."Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasped, but before he could stop him from answering, Johnny answered. Johnny: "Pockets."Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants." Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a big sigh of relief and said: "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself."
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Post by mohs on Feb 15, 2019 16:57:54 GMT -5
That reminds of the time my e teacher asked me:
“ Mohs, if train is traveling North at 60 mph & another train is traveling South at 40 mphs that are 10 miles apart what would their estimated time of arrival be ?"
“I’m not sure Mr. Radich -- but I sure hope I have time to get my brother! He’s never seen a train wreck...”
mostly
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Post by mohs on Feb 27, 2019 17:14:11 GMT -5
An old lady visits a doctor.
“Doc I have a terrible problem with gas. I fart all the time ‘cept there always silent & odorless. No one--- not my husband, children, friends ever notice Matter of farce I’ve farted 10 times while I’ve been here and you haven't noticed a thing. “
‘I see' says the Doc. “Take 2 of these pills everyday and see me in a week" .
The old lady returns ’Doc whatever you gave me now makes my farts terribly stinky. But they are still silent. “
‘I see' says the Doc. ‘Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses Let’s work on your hearing.... ‘
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Post by vegasjames on Mar 8, 2019 2:01:25 GMT -5
A magician was working on a cruise ship
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"
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Post by vegasjames on Mar 8, 2019 2:04:11 GMT -5
Joe goes to buy a new suit after surgery
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36'.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'
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