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Post by mohs on Jun 30, 2019 20:18:43 GMT -5
Ha ha I helped a lady change her tire today at the Circle K Hot! She was very efficient She had floor jack. Except she didn’t know how to tighten the hydraulic valve It was trick! But the bigger trick was the spare tire was held down by ratchet strap. I was like a sweating monkey trying to figure out how to loosen it clic click click I was just tightening it ! About ready to pull out my seat belt knife and perform an emergency release. Cut it Then magic! It released. Not sure I still know how. Anyway the spare she put on was worse than the blow out she had. Told me that she was trying to get to Mesa. That’s a long ways. I would have directed her to one the many llantas shop in the gasoline alley. But it Sunday So off she went --full of prayer, Good luck. modestm hsmoslty
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jul 18, 2019 17:49:06 GMT -5
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED • No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. • When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. • If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. (Sort of like the second rat gets the cheese, lol.) • Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. • You can't trust dogs to watch your food. • Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. • Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. (jamesp, can you verify that for us??) • Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. (That is to be avoided at all costs!) • School lunches stick to the wall. • You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. • Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. • The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED • Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree. (or herding cats.) • There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. (Sometimes, you really have to look hard, though.) • For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. (That's certainly a good thing!) • One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. (Haha! I always thought the best reason to smile is it keeps people wondering what you are up to.) • The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires. • Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. • Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts. • Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. • Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. (Try not to break anything in there.) • Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. • My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. (AWOL, lol. Been there, done that!) • If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. • You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jul 18, 2019 18:06:40 GMT -5
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.
"You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."
She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."
Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."
So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks,
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Wait for it...
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"Where's the toast?"
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Post by 1dave on Jul 23, 2019 10:11:34 GMT -5
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Post by HankRocks on Jul 23, 2019 12:08:29 GMT -5
Now if I could just find a metric Rock Hammer!!
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Post by amygdule on Aug 16, 2019 16:14:06 GMT -5
Bernie Sanders vs Boris Johnson
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Post by rockpickerforever on Aug 19, 2019 15:57:37 GMT -5
That’s how the fight started My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.....
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.....
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
And then the fight started...
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Aug 21, 2019 12:34:26 GMT -5
From an email a friend recently sent to me.
A pilot father’s discipline with love
May 19, 2017 by stevecurtis2012
Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of those moments.
Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.
I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.
I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Please see the photo………………………..
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Post by amygdule on Aug 24, 2019 19:46:18 GMT -5
Jonathan Winters and Dean Martin
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Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 3, 2019 1:47:36 GMT -5
Hooters
Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why Hooters?”
“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs.”
“You’re on.”
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
“Where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Again? Why?”
“They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”
“OK.”
At age 52 they meet and play again. “So where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”
“OK.”
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”
“Good choice”
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”
“Great choice.”
At age 82 they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?” “Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Because we’ve never been there before.”
“Okay.”
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Post by captbob on Sept 9, 2019 7:26:36 GMT -5
For Jean because I appreciate reading her jokes.
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
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Post by 1dave on Oct 12, 2019 11:46:48 GMT -5
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agatemaggot
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2006
Posts: 2,195
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Post by agatemaggot on Oct 16, 2019 14:46:41 GMT -5
What is the difference between California and the Titanic ?
The Titanic sank with it's lights ON !
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Post by 1dave on Oct 18, 2019 7:59:28 GMT -5
Pumpkin Killer goes bump in the night!
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agatemaggot
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2006
Posts: 2,195
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Post by agatemaggot on Oct 18, 2019 11:21:16 GMT -5
That pumpkin killer took a lot of thought and carving to pull off that well ! That was GREAT !
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 18, 2019 11:58:28 GMT -5
Yeah, good one, 1dave !
A few of my favorites. Love those good doggies!
And speaking of Halloween. So tired of all the stores jumping the gun on other upcoming holidays:
We haven't even put the ghosts and ghouls to rest yet, and the retailers are already pushing Christmas (yes, I said it! Christmas!) down our throats. Besides some greeting cards for Thanksgiving, they have totally skipped over that holiday!
Santa get's his just desserts
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Post by 1dave on Oct 23, 2019 10:37:03 GMT -5
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 23, 2019 11:02:27 GMT -5
That's funny! My dad used to watch the (San Diego) city council meetings on cable TV. He called it the "clown show."
A more incompetent bunch of boobs you've never seen. This was back in the day when Roger Hitchcock was mayor.
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Post by rockjunquie on Oct 23, 2019 12:40:57 GMT -5
That's funny! My dad used to watch the (San Diego) city council meetings on cable TV. He called it the "clown show." A more incompetent bunch of boobs you've never seen. This was back in the day when Roger Hitchcock was mayor. LOL! I used to watch Va Bch council meetings for the same reasons!!! I don't have cable anymore, though. Hmmm, I wonder if it is on YT...
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Post by mohs on Oct 23, 2019 16:21:44 GMT -5
instead of saying: trick or treat they say quid or quo
damn I should get paid for being so witty throw rocks please
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