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Post by rockpickerforever on Mar 26, 2020 16:04:29 GMT -5
My thoughts on Coronavirus Blues
You might as well go ahead and pronounce the "l" in "salmon" Nothing appears to matter anymore If you self-quarantine for your family's safety, please be smart. I cannot afford to go to 15 baby showers next December We are about three weeks away from knowing everyone's true hair color Day 3 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she's my wife. Seems nice. You hoarders have Walmart's shelves looking like the Detroit Lions, Buffalo Bills, and Cleveland Browns trophy cases Day 6 of no sports. Watching birds fight over worms. Update: Cardinals lead Blue Jays 3-1 Day 9 of working from home and my wife has already filed two sexual harassment claims with HR Tell your kids and grandkids - Back in the day we had so much toilet paper we used to string it up in the neighbors trees You know that stash of fast food napkins in your glovebox ? It's their turn to step up in the bathroom Saw a guy selling plain white T-shirts - "2020 NCAA Champions" $19.95 Lastly, State Farm's new slogan "Like a good neighbor, stay over there" Just sayin'.....
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Post by miket on Mar 30, 2020 10:18:15 GMT -5
Covid pickup lines someone showed me...
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Whisper in her ear: "I have 60 rolls of ultra soft toilet paper" Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket, or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me? You can't spell virus without U and I We're quarantined in the same house, your options are kind of limited. Do you need toilet paper because I will be your Prince Charmin.
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Post by joshuamcduffie on Mar 30, 2020 10:19:17 GMT -5
Covid pickup lines someone showed me... If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Whisper in her ear: "I have 60 rolls of ultra soft toilet paper" Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket, or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me? You can't spell virus without U and I We're quarantined in the same house, your options are kind of limited. Do you need toilet paper because I will be your Prince Charmin. I saw a bunch of these online, but they were inappropriate for a family oriented rock tumbling website...
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Post by miket on Mar 30, 2020 10:21:58 GMT -5
Covid pickup lines someone showed me... If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Whisper in her ear: "I have 60 rolls of ultra soft toilet paper" Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket, or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me? You can't spell virus without U and I We're quarantined in the same house, your options are kind of limited. Do you need toilet paper because I will be your Prince Charmin. I saw a bunch of these online, but they were inappropriate for a family oriented rock tumbling website... Yessir, I did too and decided to keep it PG.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Apr 1, 2020 19:20:10 GMT -5
BEST GENIE IN A BOTTLE JOKE EVER
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.' Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' 'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
I'd be willing to bet they both still believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, too, lol.
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Post by mohs on Apr 1, 2020 19:25:29 GMT -5
that is a great April 1st chuckle
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Post by rockpickerforever on Apr 9, 2020 17:06:36 GMT -5
That Ol' Bob !!!
Robert, 85, married Susan, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her husband is so old, Susan decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Susan consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again but, aha you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.' Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Dementia has its advantages. PS. Have I sent this to you already?
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Post by rockpickerforever on Apr 10, 2020 11:30:04 GMT -5
Anything goes when you are old and surviving! I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at United Market that opens at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you old farts don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
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Post by HankRocks on Apr 10, 2020 11:44:08 GMT -5
Anything goes when you are old and surviving! I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at United Market that opens at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you old farts don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there." Now that was good one!!!
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Post by parfive on Apr 10, 2020 13:31:56 GMT -5
Some of those old farts are gonna be asking the manager why they can’t find that new asymptomatic spread next to the butter.
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Post by RickB on Apr 12, 2020 19:45:06 GMT -5
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Post by knave on Apr 12, 2020 19:52:21 GMT -5
Some of those old farts are gonna be asking the manager why they can’t find that new asymptomatic spread next to the butter.
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Post by 1dave on Apr 12, 2020 19:53:09 GMT -5
The 2020 Egg Hunt was a tad different . . .
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Post by RickB on Apr 14, 2020 14:39:05 GMT -5
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Post by joshuamcduffie on Apr 19, 2020 19:30:49 GMT -5
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Post by rockpickerforever on Apr 23, 2020 12:54:58 GMT -5
More Old People Jokes
Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
And, my very favorite.... Question: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me'. 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented... 'Yes,' she responded, 'Hardly worth going home, isn't it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees,
fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Post by RickB on Apr 24, 2020 8:29:17 GMT -5
Husband to wife:
When we get out of this, the first thing you will want to do is go out and eat at a restaurant.
When I ask you where you want to go, I don't want to hear "I don't know." You've had 45 days to make a decision.
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Post by RickB on Apr 24, 2020 8:39:20 GMT -5
TINY DINOSAUR CROSSINGI must be drinking too much lately because these looked just like tiny dinosaurs. They are actually coatimundis.
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Post by Pat on Apr 24, 2020 9:53:09 GMT -5
Perfect little dinosaurs! Don't see them very often any more.
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Post by parfive on Apr 24, 2020 22:48:20 GMT -5
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's Coronavirus strategy:
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!” The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.” The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
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