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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 3, 2022 19:27:21 GMT -5
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 5, 2022 23:21:16 GMT -5
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 5, 2022 23:30:02 GMT -5
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 6, 2022 2:25:28 GMT -5
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 7, 2022 0:05:47 GMT -5
MY WIFE IS TEMPERMENTAL
(10% TEMPER...AND 90% MENTAL!)
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 7, 2022 0:06:50 GMT -5
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 7, 2022 18:21:37 GMT -5
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 7, 2022 22:30:29 GMT -5
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 10, 2022 11:04:36 GMT -5
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 10, 2022 18:34:12 GMT -5
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 11, 2022 21:02:32 GMT -5
39 Rules to live by
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. Your friends love you anyway.
38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
39: How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 11, 2022 21:50:40 GMT -5
Tools explained.
DRILL PRESS A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKILL SAW A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and funding the closest Emergency Room as they sew various body parts back together (or back on)
SON-OF-A-***** TOOL Any tool that's handy enough to grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, not surprisingly, most often the next tool that you will need.
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 11, 2022 22:07:26 GMT -5
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 12, 2022 20:50:52 GMT -5
24 truths for mature adults.
1. The most important part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize that you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map quest (or google maps!) really needs to start their directions on step five. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make for good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything else productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever technology is invented after Blu Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection… again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with kay jewelers. I bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Budweiser than with kay.
17. I wish google maps has an “avoid this neighborhood” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say, “what?!” before you just smile and nod because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie you feel when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pinning the tail on the donkey. But, I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the cup, was used in hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 12, 2022 23:32:43 GMT -5
IF YOU SAY THE WORD "GULLIBLE" OUTLOUD AND VERY SLOWLY, IT SOUNDS LIKE "ORANGES"!
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Post by Pat on Dec 13, 2022 0:01:57 GMT -5
IF YOU SAY THE WORD "GULLIBLE" OUTLOUD AND VERY SLOWLY, IT SOUNDS LIKE "ORANGES"! Yeah, right!! That’s funny.
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Post by rockjunquie on Dec 13, 2022 7:19:27 GMT -5
IF YOU SAY THE WORD "GULLIBLE" OUTLOUD AND VERY SLOWLY, IT SOUNDS LIKE "ORANGES"! Yeah, right!! That’s funny. I was trying to post an annoying orange for you, Pat, but it wouldn't take for some reason.
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Post by vegasjames on Dec 13, 2022 7:49:37 GMT -5
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 13, 2022 13:06:29 GMT -5
Yeah, right!! That’s funny. I was trying to post an annoying orange for you, Pat, but it wouldn't take for some reason. I forgot about Pat and the oranges!
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Post by jasoninsd on Dec 13, 2022 22:12:56 GMT -5
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