Planning a day trip... would like advice
Feb 27, 2020 11:09:28 GMT -5
aDave, knave, and 2 more like this
Post by MsAli on Feb 27, 2020 11:09:28 GMT -5
Actual conversation this morning:
Me: “So I know you said you weren’t comfortable with me going to get jasper in [location] alone, but it’s literally right off the road less than a quarter mile from a bar. We drive past it every time we visit your boss’s family.”
Him: “Lucy, you can still get abducted.”
Me: “Why would anybody abduct me in broad daylight so close to civilization?”
Him: “Because you’re little and cute and not very strong?”
Me: “I’ll have sharp tools on me. Hammers and chisels.”
Him: “So?”
Me: “I can kill a person with sharp tools.”
Him: “I highly doubt that.”
Me: “They’re sharp. I know where the jugular is.”
Him: “Lucy, if I was going to abduct you, you wouldn’t have time to stab me in the jugular with a chisel.”
but isnt this a fear based hypothetical to control someones actions?
Fear controls a lot
I have several really good articles I can share with you about it if you would like
Some really good authors as well that you can read
No, it’s not. It’s processing his fear through words. Controlling actions would be if he did something to physically stop me from going or “guilt” me into staying home.
Any strong “does not feel good” emotion can lead to control. Fear is especially good at it because fear tells us to control something; that is it’s purpose. Again, this isn’t inherently negative. It’s how that control comes out that determines effect. How Husband attempts control with his fear is nuanced specifically towards him and our relationship. Have been doing this for 8.5 years. I understand his communication and intent well. If you knew us IRL you’d know there isn’t anything concerning there. I allow him some control when appropriate. Other things he has to learn to accept and move on. The reverse is also true. I can request he stay home from a night out just like he can request I don’t go rockhounding alone. We can talk about why we make these requests. Then we individually make our own choice and the other respects it. There is no “telling” the other no, even if we say the word.
For what it’s worth, I have been actually abused. I have helped several friends recognize and escape abusive and controlling relationships. Have also helped several children (including many on the spectrum) process abusive parents. Those family members not in medicine are in counseling psychology (many including my mother with PhDs, very well respected in her field). It’s great that you are alert for red flags and warning signs. Rest assured I know them well and am well versed in the nuances, especially with those who struggle to verbalize thoughts and feelings.